The “Great Temptation” (aka Giving Advice)

Every coach (and aspiring coach) I have met is interested in coaching because they want to help people. This is a noble aim! And, what I quickly learned in my first full day of official coach training is that what I considered “helpful” undermines the entire point of coaching.

My thought about what “helpful” meant before I became a coach was to be able to advise, to share knowledge or insight that would help my client unlock a secret door that, once opened, would make their life easier. Oh, the hubris! What I’ve learned is that mindset is serving my ego (“look at how insightful I am! I made their life better!”), not my client. That mindset is putting me in a rescuer role, not a true partner that sees my client as whole, resourceful, capable, and creative.

Advice and knowledge sharing certainly can be helpful… but not in coaching. In coaching, the aim is to be a thought partner so that our clients are unlocking their own secret doors… we’re just exploring to illuminate the path so that they can see where their key fits (after noticing there is a secret door in the first place)! This requires us as coaches to choose curiosity, especially when we feel the tug to give advice. This means asking open, curious questions vs. disguising advice in “have you tried…” or “have you thought about…” questions.

I have come to appreciate that when the “solution” seems obvious to me, but my client is struggling to take action, there is something invisible that is creating tension for my client. Oohhh, what a rich place to explore! It might be a misalignment in values, a limiting belief, an unspoken fear… This is what fuels my curiosity – why does this seem like an easy “fix” to me but it is so difficult for my client? What is the real challenge here? Being aware that we all have our own experiences, personalities, and habits that filter how we take in and perceive situations is the first step in recognizing that any advice I might give is based on MY experience, MY values, MY context. If coaching is about helping our clients build capacity for self-awareness and choice, then giving advice cuts that at the knees. We have sacrificed our client’s learning, insight, and commitment to action in favor of our own impatience, agenda, and desire to be admired for our wisdom.

What is often underneath this drive to give advice is a genuine desire to “add value.” My offer to you is that advice is often short-lived and transactional, while new insight gained through self-exploration is sustained over the long term and transformational. That’s where the real value lies. It just takes trusting that the process of coaching – and your client’s own insights - will offer all the value your client will ever need!