Getting comfortable with silence

One of the most powerful tools in coaching is silence. Much more than just the absence of speaking, silence is often teeming with mental processing and emerging emotion. And yet, in a world that moves quickly and values constant communication, silence can feel uncomfortable. Many coaches feel an internal pull to fill the space, to ask another question, to do something. Yet, silence is not the absence of coaching; it is essential to coaching.

Silence shines a light on what matters

Insight rarely arrives on command; it often emerges in the quiet moments after a question has been asked, when the mind has time to wander, feel, and connect. Silence allows clients to move beyond rehearsed answers and surface-level thinking. It gives them permission to slow down and look inward.

Often, what follows a pause is something more honest, more nuanced, and more meaningful than what came immediately before.

One thing I remind myself of is that, while silence may feel awkward to me as a coach, my client often doesn’t even realize there is silence; instead, he or she is focused on the inner exploration, and time passes unmarked. This helps me let go of my desire to address my own discomfort by interrupting the silence.

Silence Builds Trust, Safety, and Client Autonomy

When a coach stays present in silence, clients receive a powerful message, “Take your time, because what you’re working on matters.” Silence communicates patience, respect, and trust in the client’s process. It allows emotions to be felt without being fixed or explained away. This helps clients feel safe enough to be real, rather than performative. I’ve noticed that when I leave silence, my client continues to gain insight. He or she might start with a conditioned response to a question, but with silence, continues to reflect and offer deeper truths… and continues to share new insights.

This eventually leads clients to rely less on external validation and more on their own inner knowing. They discover they can sit with uncertainty and allow insight to emerge organically. Over time, this builds confidence and self-trust that extends far beyond the coaching session; the client learns they already have access to their own answers.

Silence Requires Courage

As a coach, using silence skillfully is not passive. It requires us to manage our own discomfort, resist the urge to rescue the moment, and let go of the need to appear helpful. Silence creates room for something more authentic to emerge. In a culture full of advice and urgency, silence is a radical act. It slows the conversation, deepens awareness, and honors the client as capable and whole.

In the Tilt Laser Agility Coach certification, we treat silence not as a technique to “use,” but as a capacity to develop—alongside many other practices that support deep, lasting transformation under pressure. Learning when to speak, what to ask, and when not to intervene is part of mastering the psychology of human change. Silence is one of the places where that mastery quietly begins.

Katherine

Coaching blog 2: When Coaching Isn’t the Right Solution

Coaching is not a cure-all. It is a high-investment, high-trust intervention that delivers value only when the context—and the individual—are right.

After more than two decades of coaching hundreds of people, one lesson is clear: coaching is not a substitute for performance management or corrective action.

Coaching works best for leaders who have already demonstrated potential and readiness to grow. Talent calibration processes are often the most reliable way to identify who will benefit.

When coaching is requested by a supervisor, success depends on alignment. The individual must be coachable, goals must be clear, and the supervisor must actively support the process. Sponsor check-ins at the beginning, midpoint, and end are essential.

Without this structure, coaching can become a way to avoid difficult conversations. Delegating feedback to a coach delays accountability and often prolongs performance issues—hurting teams and the individual alike.

Our data reflects this risk. Coaching engagements aimed at “fixing” poor performers consistently underperform compared to those focused on accelerating high performers. In many cases, coaching is introduced too late, after trust has already eroded.

Coaching is also frequently confused with mentoring or consulting. Mentoring, training, and consulting build skills and knowledge. Coaching develops self-awareness, mindset, and personal responsibility—how someone shows up, not what they know.

Coachability is rooted in character maturity, not personality. It requires openness, accountability, and a willingness to examine one’s impact on others in service of something larger than self-interest.

As coaches, it’s our responsibility to assess coachability and recommend the right intervention. Coaching someone who isn’t coachable serves no one. Used well, coaching is transformational. Used poorly, it’s an expensive delay.

Written By Katherine Gilliland